I feel like my blog is getting blah 'cause I'm starting to feel... comfortable... here in Spain. I don't notice that it's weird to see ice cream stands every block nor that roundabouts are the norm and stop lights hardly exist in the outskirts of Madrid. I don't notice that it's weird to be surrounded by Spanish all throughout the day nor that two months ago I would have never dreamed of having a three course lunch everyday. Life in Spain seems... normal. I have friends, I like my fam, school's school, I still enjoy my alone time and I'm so over stressing out about what comes next. Either I get my student visa in time and I'm back in Spain in September to work on my Master's and student teach or I'm somewhere else in the world for a year making money and saving up for the Master's program next year. No matter what happens, life will still be a serendipitous adventure and I'll most likely be happy with whatever happens - and if I'm not, either I change it or I change my perspective.
It thrilled me to think today that I have three countries and three states in the USA that I could move to have have somebody excited for me to be near them. That's pretty sweet. It also thrilled me to realize that I have created this little bubble of bliss in a mere month and a half and that no matter where I end up in September, I've been working on who I am and how I relate to others just enough that I believe I will thrive no matter where I live. I keep thinking I'm old me. Pre-University Chelsea. Pre-Hooters Chelsea. Pre-Spain Chelsea. But I'm none of those Chelseas (or, I'm all of those Chelseas)... I'm who I am now. And, on the whole, I'm pretty content with who that is and what she's accomplished thus far.
No matter where I end up, freaking out about it now will not help me get to where I'm going. I can only impede me. And I know this - I just always forget. The epiphany was presented to me in the form of a poem today in Contemporary Spanish Literature with Ernesto. We read a poem written in the Franco-era about how life is all on a stage, but you never get a dress-rehearsal and by the time you realize this is the real deal, it's too late and you suddenly die and the play is all over. The poem made this sound like such a bleak truth and it angered me. "Why doesn't he see liberty in death?" I asked Ernesto, almost pleadingly. In usual form, Ernesto smiled and once again reminded me that Eastern thought had not yet arrived to Spain, so no such conclusions could be reached in the early 20th century such as that one.
And then it hit me - this poem bothered me so much because it's exactly what I revert to without noticing. I worry about something ending, I worry about not getting something I'm really working hard for and want, I worry that "something bad" will happen in the end and the end will hit me when I'm least expecting it and all my hope, energy and desire will have been for naught.
This is the real reason I got cherry blossoms tattooed around my orange soda bottle. I needed a reminder to focus on the positive. A reminder that while everything is ephemeral by nature, it is also paradoxically ever-lasting.
So for the first time since this visa business started, I'm willing to throw up my hands and let the Universe take this one over. If I'm supposed to do my masters this year in September, I will do everything in my power to obtain my visa, submit all the proper paperwork and do everything else I need to. But if I'm not supposed to do that quite yet, I will fearlessly see where life leads me next and I will go all in. ^_^
I feel so much lighter. Finally. *deep breath*
As far as today? Hung out with Dave at lunch watching askaninja.com (best lunch period of the summer - haha). Finally spoke up for the first time in Ernesto's class this week. I could tell the man was relieved/jubilant. Got home fast to have a quick lunch and then teased my padre into taking me to the train station on Moto!! ^_^ I <3 riding on his moto so so so so much!! I forget places are closer than a 20-60 public transportation ride. Haha. Five minutes? WHAT?! Haha. It felt like magic. ;) And I felt pretty badass pulling up to my group on the back of a Moto. ;)
Next it was off to Madrid to the National Library. Gotta say, I was expecting something a little more interesting... but it was cool to be where my professor from last semester would tell us she'd go to research Zayas and to feel what it must be like to be Mary Roach researching her next book all around the world in exclusively awesome libraries! ^_^ It was also cute that Ernesto kept showing me little tidbits of interest from June's class.
When I got home a few hours later my fam was on the patio and made me a frozen pizza (which I'd actually been craving all day long) and I sorta ate the ENTIRE thing (with a fork and a knife, of course - hahah). I've gotten used to chilling with them in Spanish and it no longer bothers me when I don't understand tidbits of the conversation... I just coast through it and daydream for a moment and then reenter the convo a little later. Ha.don't even notice anymore - how weird is that? I also barely notice I'm speaking in Spanish. I still notice that I make mistakes, but I don't feel like I have to plan out sentences before I say them -- I just kinda start rambling and 9 times out of 10 they'll have a clue as to what I'm trying to say. ;)
I'm sleepy and pooped and tired.
I think I'll spend my free Friday catching up on much needed me time and self-expression time.
XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake
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