Day 43: If only I were a surrealist

Today in Ernesto's class we learned more about Surrealism. Oh, how I wish I could write a surrealist blog right now. It'd simplify everything so much for me. I have too much going on in my mind and yet don't at the same time. I want this but at the same time I want that and then, I just want to not want and to float. A tiny part of me wants to freak out and worry but the other part of me is so hushed and calm that she just smiles at that little part of me from a peaceful park bench and her eyes sparkle, knowingly.

Sometimes when I'm really happy I sit and focus really hard on a specific moment in the past where past me was really upset or hurting or sad or scared or fearful of the unknown and I focus all of my energy on that little girl and tell her, "It's okay! Look!" and I show her a tiny bit of what her life is about to look like, even though it feels impossible where she is.

Conor used to do this for me. I think he taught me how to do it. I still have a conversation saved from when I was 16 and a half with him... it's just a fragment and doesn't sound like much, but I can remember being locked in my closet crying so hard with the only light around me my little computer screen and Conor's words being the only thing that could make me stop trembling:

Conor: Okay honey, calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Me: :-\
Conor: Trust me. I know it's hard, believe me I know...

Just like a surrealist painting being observed, I'm sure there are very limited audiences who would read the next sentence and truly, truly believe it, but surrealists never worried about their personal truth being grasped, and nor do I to an extent. Sometimes I can hear "future" me when I'm very still and quiet and just for a split second she shows me where I'm going. Sometimes it's just a feeling, sometimes it's just a giggle, sometimes it's a scene... but the knowledge that I am thriving and happy is always there.

And then all of a sudden my family got back from their trip and they both were so happy to see me and kissed me on both cheeks and brought me a present and made me a really yummy lunch and both giggled at me and wanted to hear about what was new. <3 And then I was talking to a few of my favorite people all afternoon online and remembered how loved I am. And then I was walking to the plaza with L and she was just going on about her day without me even asking and it was so cute. It's the best when you can see somebody without even saying 'Hello' and just break into being around them as if its the most natural state of being. This - this is something that does not get enough poetry nor music nor art created in its honor. <3

I just stumbled upon all of the sweet things Stephen wrote to/about me. It made me smile. A lot. Because not only can I remember exactly how it made me feel when I was 16, but shined like stained glass onto how I feel in this moment.

This afternoon I felt like I was handed a Year to do with as I pleased - with the disclaimer that the one thing I wanted to do more than anything would be the one thing I couldn't do with it. I cried for a split second before I realized that was hardly the correct reaction. This is all going somewhere and even though everything something like this happens I immediately worry I will lose the most important things to me, just the opposite always happens.

XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake