Day 44: Word on the street is: "It's okay to be human."

I was having an awful day.

Yeah, I got a yummy magdalena filled with oozing chocolate and a tropical juice box for the bus ride to school. Yeah, it was really cute that the guy that works at the cafe on campus has memorized my breakfast order after just a few days (nepolitana chocolate con zumo de pina) and calls me guapa. Yeah, my after-class talk with Ernesto was wry and stimulating as usual. Yeah, lunch with mi familia was cute and I got a bonus chocolate frosted pastry with my infusion while watching Entre Fantasmas.

But somewhere in all of that, I just felt... defeated.

Iulia, the director of the Master's program, had a meeting with me to go over possible ways I could find to be able to study here this fall and not have to defer for a year. It was sweet of her to try so hard, but she just didn't understand my position and the laws and it made me feel even worse than if no meeting had taken place at all. Just as I had come to terms that all hope was gone, I got an email from my dad and the Chicago Consulate saying I might have time to obtain my official student visa if I were to get really lucky and gambled a few hundred dollars in the process. I emailed them back to get more info, not sure whether to feel cautiously optimistic or to expect another seeming dead end.

Emotional ping-pong, I swear. Some days I can live with the uncertainty of it all without a problem and other days it makes my insides feel like they're wads of play-dough being torn apart and manipulated and put through colorful, torturous plastic molds and childish contraptions.

As if this weren't already bothering me more than I can explain in a simple play-dough analogy, hours later I was greeted with a harangue. A 20 minute harangue. A 20 minute harangue that made me feel like I was 14 again. To have the effrontery to vituperate somebody I clearly adore is a deal-breaker in my book. It happened to me waaaaay too many times when I was younger and toyed with my self-trust to the point of crisis. Do NOT eff with my feelings towards people I hold in high esteem. Do NOT eff with my ability to trust myself and my judgment. Do NOT bash somebody I care about and then giggle about it proudly -- as if it were innocent fun to proclaim that my relationships with others are silly little nothings that I am just too naive to comprehend their complete vacuousness. And -- whatever you do -- do NOT think yourself superior and so wonderfully honest as compared to all other beings because you "tell it like it is" when this entails you acting insensitive, indecorous and overtly-jealous. This is not the harsh "truth" - this is just unattractive and makes others realize your insecurities and become extremely turned off by your self-importance.

Once I like somebody, there's not too much you can do to really and truly piss me off, but ding ding ding, doing any and all of the things aforementioned will pretty much win you an indefinite period of being outright ignored. No - this is not the mature way to handle it. But I always must ask, why must I act like the mature one when the other person's immature actions were what caused the mess? I don't see it as my personal onus to inform another human being that their default manner of acting is completely unappreciated and immature; that until they realize this, I find their presence toxic to my general attempt at happiness and inner peace and they can go pollute others.

Sure, it's an overreaction -- but that's only because this is one of those reoccurring things that pushes my buttons in the exact manner that guarantees an explosion every time. I've had to deal with this behavior so much from people so close to me that at some point I just have to proclaim that I can't take it any more. I just do NOT understand where people get the chutzpah to believe it a perfectly hunky-dory thing to bash somebody's Important Person for twenty minutes straight, all the while giggling and being as insulting as humanly possible and then skip away as if it were the most harmless and sweetest activity in the world.

Alternate me in a different dimension sees this and raises you twenty extra minutes of insults and personal attacks on your relationships and your Important Person(s) and proclaims that she will not stop the bash fest until you run home crying. TAKE THAT.

So yep - to say I was upset would be an understatement. And so I went to Madrid to Kiko to purchase nail polish. 'Cause what does a panda do when she's really really upset and has no Victoria Secret nearby to go sulky underroo shopping? She paints her toes. Periwinkle. ;)

Then, after some "I'menragedrightnowwatchout" mis-communication, I found myself on the bus back towards home with L. I have to admit - I try not to see people I like when I'm that upset. I prefer people to think of me as a big bubble of positive energy. I thought about telling her I wasn't up for hanging out, but a part of me felt like I needed to suck it up and deal with myself. And so I did, well... sort of. I'm pretty sure the first fifteen minutes with her were a big complaint fest. Mmm... attractive, I know. I have many friends whom I complain WITH, but not to whom I complain because I'm in a state of emotional surrender and need a little life-preserver thrown out to sea to keep me from being swirled into a dangerous vortex of my own negativity/thoughts. This was one of those moments.

It's always a nervewracking thing to demand such a thing from somebody for the first time. Some people have no clue what their supposed to do. Many throw out a simple, "It'll be okay." It'll-Be-Okays are like the water-wings of life-preservers. They're cute and all, but pretty useless when it comes to facing a serious storm. Some try to give you advice as if they were in your exact position and have omniscient power over the outcomes of life. This is always sweet, because they're trying, but in the end it comes across as a bit arrogant and just makes me feel misunderstood. This is the ugly orange life-vest with straps that are too loose and moth-chewed to be a real effective member of  the life-preserver family.

So what's the right thing to say? The right life-preserving object to throw over board?

"Well... I hear what you're saying. Everything happens for a reason, though, right? But still... it's okay to act human sometimes 'cause... well... you are human. Be upset or angry or mad - I won't think any less of you for it. Sometimes you just gotta be human and there's absolutely no shame in that."

O_O

Might as well have thrown an entire luxury life-boat over board complete with cocktails and cupcakes!

THANK YOU for stating what may or may not have been the obvious when I really needed to hear it. <3

I so often judge myself for being anything less than sanguine, but L was right - the purpose of life isn't to be perfect all the time -- it's to experience. And sometimes in experiencing, you're less than chipper... and there's no reason to feel guilty for that or bad or like you've failed. Sometimes you just need a few hours or days off from it all. And that's okay.

What a difficult concept for me to grasp. I keep wondering if spiritual masters ever take a day to be like, "Eff this. I'm gonna put on my sweats, eat lots of sweets and watch reruns of Full House." ??? I doubt it... but I feel like being human is a very important aspect to existence, even when it means just giving up for a little bit, handing the reigns over to the universe and being okay with being upset.

And so, (ironically? or is this what happens when you embrace your feelings - good or bad?) with such a perfectly understanding response, I went from upset and livid and hopeless feeling to fuzzy and squishy and content in a matter of minutes. Hee hee. <3

I've been busy going all over the city and working on my visa and thinking about my future and this and that, blah blah blah, that taking a night off to just be was exactly what I've been missing and didn't even know it. Going after your dreams is great, and taking advantage of the opportunities around you, also... but one should never underestimate the invigorating power of crashing on a couch with yummy food, TV, homework done in colored markers and one of your favorite people. *bliss*

XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake