Day 58: Two days left...

A year ago today the Brazilian left the USA to go back to Brazil. As he waved goodbye to me with tears in his eyes, all I could do was run away. I ran until he couldn't see me and then lost it. I cried and cried and sat in Moxie and cried some more. Brazilian had left (and J was about to move, too) and now I was all on my own. I didn't know if I'd see him again. I didn't know what would happen in the next year. I knew I'd be okay, but I didn't know how. All I knew was I had that afternoon to cry and then I had to be a big girl and work hard.

A whole year later and I'm looking back on that sweet little girl crying in her car, listening ironically to Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" on repeat feeling so alone. All I can do is cry along with her and whisper, "Look where you got yourself, Chels!" A week and a half later I'd landed a job at Hooters so I could start saving up for my month long trip to Brazil. Four months later I was landing in Belo Horizonte looking out the window at the lush landscape, completely incredulous I was there and he was there to get me in my silly purple sweat pants. When he grabbed me from behind while I was trying to call him in the airport, I melted. I'd done it! I'd feared an end but hadn't let myself give in to that fear - I'd worked hard and was there. Six months later and I'd found out I'd been accepted into the study abroad program in Spain. Ten months later and I was studying in Madrid. And today - I'm here looking back on it all and smiling, thinking how Brazilian would say, "Oh, Chelsinha" to me and realizing he was serious when he said he wanted to always be a part of my life - despite an ocean.

 S2

When I got my tattoo redone earlier this year, I decided to surround my Orange Soda bottle with Sakura blossoms. Traditionally and symbolically, cherry blossoms represent the beauty of the ephemeral. Cherry blossom trees have hundreds and hundreds of blossoms, but they only last a few days before they fall off the tree. The trick is, there are always a hundred more where those came from in different colors and with unique details.

Ever since I can remember, I've had difficulty with the idea of "endings." I used to spend every day fearing my mom would die; I had reoccurring nightmares of the day high school was done and I had to drive off to college crying hysterically; I would obsess over how a relationship I had just begun would end and whose fault it would be and how broken-hearted I would feel -- I even feared the ending of my heap of extra sour cream on my Taco Bell Nacho Supreme, ultimately leading to me hardly eating any sour cream with my nachos and being left with a huge blob of it when I had finished!

The way I'd grown accustomed to living was to fear the shriveling up of the beautiful sakura blossom so completely that I completely forgot to notice its beauty while it was alive.

And so when it was time to add to my tattoo - I realized the most important reminder I could get tattooed on myself was a reminder to always live in the NOW. A reminder that everything is to some extent ephemeral and to always find the beauty in the moment instead of the fear the end of it. A reminder that things only "end" when you're ready for them to "end." A reminder that beauty and opportunity and experiences are plentiful if you are open to them, so that an ending only signifies the beginning of your next step in your journey. And - most importantly - a reminder that endings are nothing but an illusion ... something that the Brazilian and many other things had begun to show me in the recent past.

<3

That day in the park my first week in Spain when Conor came and played his song for me, I could feel him reminding me to look at my tattoo and take what I'd learned to heart.

I can say in all honesty, it's never hit me that one day I will have to get on a plane and go back to the US. Not even as I write this am I comprehending that. I just feel very... here. I feel very... now. And I love it here and now. And I feel so peaceful about that. <3

I only have two days left of school, hanging out with my CIEE friends and living in my sweet little room with my familia... but I can't tell. :) The next few weeks will be adventure upon adventure but I'm not thinking about that, either. All I'm thinking about is the life I've grown accustomed to here - what kind of yogurt is for dessert and how many scoops of sugar I can sneak into it before anybody sees me... if I should siesta now and shower later or shower now and run out of time to siesta because I'll get distracted by something I remember I have to do while showering... if I can get enough work done on my paper to see L after work and if it'll leave me with enough energy to walk back home at 1:30 am thanks to the silly night bus... ^_^

My life here with school (Ernesto, Little Gay Professor Man, Mar - aka the girl that seriously looks like Rachel F. from my Hooters in 20 years) and friends (Megan, Andy, Dave) and family (Cruz, Jesus, Maria, Jorge, Deu) has been beyond anything I could have ever dreamed up. The past two months have truly been amazing.

Yet at the same time, Hilary Duff gets it right in her song, "Metamorphosis" when she says, "It gets me nervous but it makes me calm / to see life all around me moving on."

Suddenly it occurs to me that "growth" and "metamorphosis" isn't a one time deal - it's continually happening if you allow it to ... leaving my fam and the University of Alcala and my friends I've made here (being done with college as of Thursday and succeeding in graduating a year early!!!) doesn't mean my metamorphosis is complete... it means I'm ready for the next part!!

BRING IT, guys. I feel more than prepared. The past two months have shown me a world and a side to me I never knew existed. I can't WAIT to see how life tries to top this. ;)

XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake