There are some endings I'm good at - like death.
Somebody dies? That means that they've moved on to a new, timeless dimension, but are not just GONE. Because death is so ineffable, I am free to define it however I wish, and thus if I choose to believe death is just an extension of life, then it is. And that's that.
But then there are endings I'm just a mess with - like this one.
The moment I get on that plane, this life I've come to know and love and cherish and all of the people and places that have made it what it is are just... GONE. No more Atocha - RENFE. No more tinto de verano. No more night bus. No more Kiko. No more Desigual. No more napolitanas de chocolate. No more green line to Chueca. No more walking down C/ Fuencarral to see my tattoo/piercing friend. No more school. No more walking by the big gate to the botanic gardens and looking to see if the beige high heel is still there. No more endless, fruitless searches for Hooters. No more receiving little tissues or lighters on the train with sweet little notes from people asking for money. No more being called "guapa" by strangers. No more being adored for being American. No more walks in Retiro. No more living in Spanish. No more humbling confusion because you have to take your produce to the lady in the produce section to weigh instead of taking it to the cashiers to weigh themselves. No more familia, no more L, no more Ernesto. No more.
Sure, I could believe that the next chapter of my life will be just an extension of this one... but I know better than that.
And so I cried. And cried and cried and cried.
Just when the sniffles started and my vision was completely clouded by the droplets of fear and sadness, mi madre called.
"Hola, guapa! Que tal?"
"Hola..." *sniffle*
"Como estas?"
"Pues... un disastre... no puedo dejar de llorar esta manana..."
*giggles* *insert remark gently telling me to calm the hell down*
<3
My madre had called to invite me over to the house for comida with my familia! I wiped the tears from my eyes and jumped in the shower, knowing this would be the last time I'd get to go home for a long, long time. Before I knew it, I was at the train station in Alcala...
... and my madre was there with her car to pick me up and take me home where I knew I belonged for my penultimate afternoon in Spain.
We ate comida. We watched TV (but Entrefanstasmas wans't on... poo). We drank tea and had cookies and chocolate (my madre told me that when she called my padre to tell him I'd be home for lunch, he asked in a frenzy if we had enough chocolate or if he needed to pick some up on the way home?! CUTE!!!). We chatted it up in Spanish.
I truly felt like I was home. <3 And I loved every single minute of it!
At some point in the conversation, my madre asked if I needed a ride to the airport on Thursday, as she'd be more than happy to give me one. Aww!! I told her not to worry - that I could bus it there. But she told me that was nonsense and she knew just how much luggage I had and that she'd be there at 8 am to get me. Timidly, I asked if L might be able to come along, and my padre jumped in and assured me that "claro que si" L would be accompanying us to the airport. Cute!!
Before long it was a little after five o'clock and I needed to start heading back to Torrejon. I had hoped so hard that my padre would offer me a ride on his moto back to the train station - heck, I'd even been sure not to wear a skirt or a dress so that he could. So when he smiled at me and asked if I'd like a ride there, I was beyond blissed out - I was overjoyed!!
We walked downstairs to the basement garage to hop on the moto, but just as my padre opened the door, he quickly shut it again and turned to me, a sly smile tip-toeing across his face. I looked up at him, eyes wide, and cocked my head a little in a questioning gaze. His smile no longer so sly, he told me he had something he wanted to give me, "so that you can always remember us - your family here in Spain." I laughed and asked him what it was he wanted me to have? His eyes lit up and he said, simply,
"That one shirt of mine that makes you giggle every time I wear it."
I stared at him, overcome with the adorableness of his gesture and when he asked if I wanted it, I shook my head furiously, "yes!!" It was the shirt from Zara that had what looked like the Beatles in spacesuits on it with one of them giving bunny ears to one of the others and an arrow pointing at him saying, "The Asshole." The first day I'd seen my padre wear it early in the summer I hadn't been able to stop laughing and asked him if he even knew what that meant. I'd LOVED that shirt, so so so much, from that day on; every time he'd wear it, I'd been equally as amused and he'd find joy in my amusement and somehow a story would come out about my hermana and her experience with English cuss words or my madre would say something hilarious... That shirt just succinctly captured the essence of just how Amazingly Wonderful my familia truly was and what a wonderful summer I'd had being a part of it. <3
He told me to wait there and he ran upstairs to get it. When he returned, he'd folded it into a tiny lump of fabric so that I could fit it into my bag, and told me to make sure I washed it before I wore it, as he'd just worn it the other day and hadn't had time to clean it himself. Haha. Then he told me that he expected me to wear it and send my familia pictures of me proudly displaying it around America!
After he got me helmeted up and we were on the moto, he asked if I didn't just want to go to the next train station up instead of going to the one in Alcala, so that I could get more time on the moto. :) I giggled and said I had a roundtrip train ticket from Alcala, but I supposed it might work at the other station, too, and either way OF COURSE I wanted a longer moto ride!! ^_^
We zoomed around town and once again I felt like the happiest girl in the world, the roasting heat of the Madrid sun being no match for the cool breeze of the open road, my hair dancing in the wind and my smile so big I was afraid I'd get bugs in my mouth! True happiness - no joke.
When we got to the next town's train station, my padre gave me a huge hug good-bye and told me that he'd loved having me there this summer and the family would miss me a lot. He told me I would be welcome back home any time and that I was a true part of the family now. And then I saw a few tiny tears fill his eyes and he smiled and said he'd wait for me, just to make sure my ticket worked at this station.
It was the sweetest of goodbyes. I adored it. <3
And with that I ran inside of the station, realized my roundtrip ticket indeed did not work at that station, but bought a one way to Alcala (I'd wanted to buy a Universidad de Alcala shirt all summer long and now was my last chance - plus, L wouldn't be home for another few hours, so I had time to hang out in my home town for a little bit longer) anyway and went up to the tracks. There, down below, I could see my padre on his moto, looking up, waiting for me. I smiled and waved at him and he waved back. Just at that moment the train going towards Torrejon arrived and I slipped inside the station so that my padre wouldn't see me not boarding. When the train wizzed away, my padre was gone.
I spent the next few hours taking pictures around Alcala of all the quotidian things I knew I'd grow to miss and even start to forget with enough time. I wanted to remember them for what they were and for how familiar they'd become to me. I took pictures of the train station sign, the rose gardens in the Plaza de Cervantes, of the storks and of everything in between on my walk from the train station to the Universidad.
Plaza de Cervantes and a rose.
The super old church right next to my bus stop and across the way from my university
with the super old tower and some storks up there.
A view from my university where Instituto de Franklin is located along with a view from the gate of the courtyard between university buildings where I'd study, meditate and eat my napolitana chocolate and drink my pina juice.
I also bought my Universidad de Alcala shirt and a little key chain. I explored and explored, wanting to make a memory and seal the sights, sounds and smells of it all into my mind and heart, until L called to tell me she was on her way home.
The rest of the night was low-key, just how I wanted my penultimate night to be after such a relaxing and slightly emotional day. <3 I knew this feeling of being at home wouldn't last much longer and I don't know when I'll feel this way again... and so I just basked in the comfort of it all.
XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake
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