Tears in Heaven

As we walked into the park Friday during our morning tour of Madrid, a little man framed in lush green tree branches sat quietly on a bench with his guitar, strumming the first few notes of a song that sounded vaguely familiar. With each vibration of the strings I suddenly became entangled in the music and forgot where I was and what was going on around me. The little man framed in lush green tree branches was playing Conor's song for me. The song he gave me once years and years ago over IM and the song that I know means that he's near me in that moment.

The setting was so beautiful; there I was in the middle of a park in Europe with this little man playing the one song that means more to me than anything and suddenly I knew somehow Conor had pulled some pretty major strings to have me walk into something so perfectly created just for me at the beginning of my big, life changing journey. They don't have pennies in Europe, so he had to think of something a bit more grandiose. He couldn't have orchestrated anything more perfect.

I stood there for the whole song, taking in the music and the smells and the scenery and feeling him standing there with me, smiling and winking at me, there to let me in on a little secret: that everything was going to amazing and nothing would hurt; that he had it all mapped out for me and that I was in for a serendipitous adventure; that he hadn't forgotten about me nor ever would and that I was loved so very much and he wanted me to know it; that I should risk everything and regret nothing because in the end, everything would turn out okay, and if it wasn't okay, it wasn't the end; that since he'd died I'd learned that the best thing I could do was to be myself and I would be loved for that and nothing else, and to always remember that, especially as I began my adventure in Spain; and, of course, to always remember I was his Orange Soda. <3

Before, I never understood the idea of having faith in someone or something or some higher being. But after his death it suddenly all made sense. Whenever I'm overwhelmed with life here on Earth I take a moment to find a secret place, tranquil music, and cry a little bit before literally throwing up my hands and saying, "Conor. It's your turn. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I trust you. It's your turn for awhile. I have faith in you. Read my story that I wrote out for myself before I came to this planet and help me find where I'm going. I feel lost." And that's exactly what I did a few nights before I left for Spain.

And look at all that's happened in these past 7 days!! <3

Especially (ESPECIALLY) after today, as I was waiting at the bus stop to return home for dinner, I looked up and giggled, thanking him. I know he'd find some ingenious way, perhaps with Grape Soda or something, to show me that none of this is him and all of this is my doing, but it helps knowing that my sanguinity is backed by unconditional love. <3