Weekend (13/14): Introspection and Reflection

I've officially been in Spain for two weeks. I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was before I boarded that plane. I'm living in one of my life dreams and for once happiness doesn't feel imminently ephemeral. For the first time in years, my happiness seems to be burgeoning from the inside rather than relying on a sole external force out of my control. I feel as thought all of the self confidence and love I received from being embraced for being authentic in the past few months has finally settled inside of me in a nook that is reserved for default settings that are to be trusted and metaphysically accepted. The strangest thing that's developed out of this so far is suddenly feeling lovable and worthy thereof.

I know this journey has been in the works for a long time - roughly a decade ago I decided I would one day be in Spain. I had no reason for this. I knew nothing about the country. All I knew was that I would someday be here and I had to start working to get here. And it would be important. Very important.

Two weeks and I'm starting to understand. Being in another country has a way of making all of my petty insecurities melt away and give me no choice but to be authentic and sanguine. I gain a perspective I can never access in my own language and culture. I feel like I can tap into the "divine" or "creative" energy force whenever I want and it makes me feel like I must look a little loony to the world. Funny how one lives in this generation with the goal of being at peace and happy with themselves and their life and then as soon as I get to that place I feel awkward about it. Culturally speaking, I feel a lot more sane when I feel depressed or anxious. That can't be good.

Anyway, the fact is, this weekend I felt really me for the first time in awhile. Skyping Julia and how cute and feisty our repartees can be, skyping Woody for the first time in months, remembering what it feels like to talk to your bff and skyping my mom while she had a twizzlers hanging out of her mouth while she told me all about her weekend like it was nothing.  Strolling through the park and listening to Sufjan Stevens "To be Alone with You" on repeat. Going out for Chinese food in a European country and realizing pollo agridulce is even better than your American Sweet and Sour chicken, but ironically Chinese food seems to be about the only thing in this country that ISN'T served with rice! Lounging around in my sweatpants in my room on my computer writing. Going out dancing in Chueca real late at night. Freezing our asses off at the bus stop at 4 in the morning but loving every minute of it. Vegging out on the couch watching MTV in Spanish/looking at Spanish gossip magazines and being really contentedly marinated in laziness and coated in bliss. Coming home to a dinner saved for me in a cute mini size with three options of cake/fresh cherries for dessert and people wanting to hear all about my weekend. <3

I look dorky, but the point of this pic is to say that no matter where you go in Madrid, everything is beautiful and historic - so awesome.

Starting things from the beginning that are completely new and fresh feels invigorating. I don't have to approach things with my past insecurities and doubts and fears and guilt. I get to decide that this time around I want open communication, even if it's tricky for me to do at first. I get to decide to live in the moment and not worry about the future. I get to decide to feel lovable and worthy. I get to decide to not feel like my happiness relies on others. I get to decide to be myself - whoever that self is in that moment. I get to decide to be open to life instead of feel like I need to control it. I get to decide to thrive instead of survive. I get to decide it's okay to be happy. So many people seem to take life as it happens, but maybe that doesn't need to be the case. Maybe you can create your life. Your relationships. Your happiness. You just need to be pushed as far out of your comfort zone as possible?

The best part is when I find myself in my own world for a moment and just say to myself, "Can you even BELIEVE what your life is like right now?" Everything feels both surreal and more real than ever at the same time.

XOXO
Jet-set Cupcake